I was well prepared for this race. I had checked the bike over and sorted out all my kit for a variety of possible weather conditions. Last time I did this race I got caught in traffic on the way there and nearly missed the start so this time I left half an hour earlier.
The lack of traffic this time meant I arrived about an hour before the race start but as I pulled into the car park I saw a couple of people I wasn't expecting. Including my evil bitch ex.
I did consider running her over. A large part of me wishes I had. There is a risk that if I got an unsympathetic jury I might then have to spend the rest of my life in prison, but to be honest I was more concerned that I wasn't going fast enough through the car park to guarantee the impact would be fatal. Some of you probably think that is me being funny. I don't. If I thought I could be sure she was dead I would do it. And I would quite happily spend the rest of my life knowing that my actions were justified because I had made the world a better place.
Instead I had an anxiety attack in the car. I thought I knew how to stay on top of these by now but this one was too severe for any of the breathing or relaxation exercises to even slow it down. I already had my garmin on for racing and watched my heart rate climb straight through the 50's, 60's and 70's despite just sitting in the car trying to stay calm. I tried to stop and consider my options but I couldn't even stay calm enough to work out what options I had, never mind consider which was best. I couldn't wait for help to arrive so I had to leave. I remember bits of driving home but even as I was driving I was finding I had gaps where I couldn't remember the previous few minutes.
Once I was home I spent the next few hours curled up on the sofa trying to control my breathing and the twitches. 24 hours later as I type this, I have barely slept. I am managing to sit up but the twitches and shakes are still fairly significant. I can't concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time.
Really upset to miss the race and worse to know that I probably won't ever be able to go to it again. Also really annoyed at how strong the effect of the panic attack has been and that none of what I have learned about dealing with them for the past 4 years has been any help today.